1. |
Warning
00:32
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Welcome all to Garfeld’s show
Here’s a few things you should know
We’ve decided to tell you
What you’re getting yourself into
This show here is not for kids
Or people that are sensitive
If you don’t know what’s in store
You may want to run to the door
This show has some bad language
And sexual references
The whole thing is so fucked up
The writer wasn’t hugged enough
You’ve been warned so now you know
Sit back and enjoy the show
Life is bleak and life is dull
And here’s Garfeld: the Musical.
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2. |
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I hate Mondays
Always greet the morning
In the afternoon
Eat your breakfast quickly
Cuz lunch is coming soon
Always face the Monday
With a teddy bear at your side
That’s Pooky! If it gets spooky
At least we’ll know we tried
Now let’s go see what’s on my schedule?
Abuse the dog? Right on schedule!
I think today is gonna be special
Cuz we’ll laugh and sing and play
As Odee dances the ballet (do ballet!)
And everything will be okay
As long as it’s not a Monday
I said do the ballet!
Garfeld, be nice to Odee.
John, it's not even breakfast time and you're already asking me to be something I'm not. It is far too early in the morning for this kind of treatment.
It's one in the afternoon, you lazy asshole! Garfeld, what’s going on? Who are these people?
They're the audience, John! Our lives are a musical today!
Of course it is.
Garfeld and Odee
Where did I go wrong?
I should’ve gotten goldfish
They wouldn’t make me sing a song.
I thought pets would help me
Live a normal life
Instead I get books and hats, stamped with my cat
John, hands off my merchandise!
Now why don’t you go and make me a snack?
Cuz you’re getting my opening number off track!
Now I have to win the audience back
So would you kindly go away
While I jump and sing and sway
Cuz everything will be okay
As long as it’s not a Monday
I said get out!
Yeah I heard you, you fuckin’ fat dick.
La la la la la la la la
Aroooo
Yeah, why don’t you just leave it to me?
Join us for an hour
Watch us sing our songs
Forget your cares and worries
Cuz here nothing goes wrong!
So I hope you’re all ready to have some fun
Cuz this flabby tabby is second to none
And the adventure has just begun
So you can sit back and relax
Pull out your candy bars and snacks
Laugh at all of my brilliant wise cracks
If you don’t like it, kiss my orange ass
We’ll laugh and dance and play
So I hope to see you stay
Cuz everything will be okay
As long as it’s not a Monday
La la la la la la la
GAAAARFELD!
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3. |
Paging Dr Lizz
02:56
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So I’m in love, in case you can’t tell
We’ve known each other for 5 years and it seems to be going well
I say “the time has come to face it”
We’re not children anymore
What’s holding us back from taking the next step through the chapel door
I want to wake up looking at your expressionless face
I want to make this so much more than just another date
Can’t you see it’s predestined from above
I love your witty sense of humor and how you check Garfield for tumors
Paging Dr Lizz, this is Dr Love
I remember the first day that we met
Odie had worms and I was taking him to the vet
I said “I can’t believe this doctor” and we got off to a great start
You gave Odie a shot in the anus, and you gave me a shot in the heart.
I want to wake up looking at your expressionless face
I want to make this so much more than just another date
Can’t you see it’s predestined from above
I love your ghostly pale complexion and how treat a raging infection
Paging Dr Liz this is Dr Love
Ooh
John, what the hell is going on?
Please hold all of your questions until after the key change!
Key change?
I want to wake up looking at your expressionless face
I want to make this so much more than just another date
Will you please be my soulmate, be my wife
Cuz I love your scary, lifeless eyes
Love your lack of figure, ass and thighs
Love all your interests, your hobbies
And all of your medical degrees
And just so I don’t forget, I love the way you neutered both my pets
Paging Dr Liz, this is the rest of our lives.
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4. |
I Love Lasagna
02:50
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When the universe kicks you in the balls
You don’t need to reach for alcohol
For there’s a certain recipe
That cures whatever’s ailing me
Oh I love lasagna
It’s my favorite dish
Sent down from the Heavens
Filling my every wish
Nothing gives me more joy
Than Italian cuisine
Pasta, meat, cheese and
Pure dopamine!
Oh I love lasagna
Eat it all through the night
Give it all to me
I’ll savor every bite
I would be content
To eat it every day
And whenever I finish
Make another tray!
Ooh ooh
I love lasagna, meow meow meow
Odee, what is so important that - Oh my God, is he smoking crack? Fuck, he was six months clean!
Uh, there's nothing to look at over there folks! Let's bring the focus back to me! I've got another verse for you! Ready?
Oh I love lasagna
It’s much better than crack
And for all you out there
Addicted to smack
Garfeld’s got a substitute
To help you all quit
It’s not a 12 step program
It’s lasagna, bitch!
If you are an addict
Barely clinging to life
877 -
822 - 0485
That is the hotline
For substance abuse
Because addiction is no joke
And God loves you!
Ooh ooh
I love lasagna meow meow meow
What do you want?! Oh God, oh fuck. Would you go do something about that please?!
Hey! Get back here you stupid mutt, those are mine! I'll kill you!
Oh, shit.
Oh I love lasagna
Love it deeply within
Please just eat lasagna
And don’t do heroin
Lasagna isn’t outlawed
And it won’t cause you pain
It didn’t kill Jim Morrison
Or Kurt Cobain
Oh I love lasagna
That’s the point of this song
I’m sure you get the idea
And you’ve been catching on
Basically just know
That lasagna’s legit
And that alcohol and drug abuse
Is fucked up shit
Ooh ooh
A-ha! Now I've got you, you little shit!
Jesus Christ!
Ooh ooh.
I love lasagna meow meow meow
Jesus!
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5. |
John's Lament
04:14
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Five years ago I bought a cat
To keep me company and that
Wasn’t enough so I bought a dog
Now in this house that’s full of pets
Pill bottles, vodka, and regrets
I still sit around and slap my hog
Why can’t the hole ever be filled
Not even with illegal pills
Cheap gin and whiskey, worthless stuff
And now the best thing that was in my world
My lover Lizz, my golden girl
She tells me I’m not good enough
She thinks that I’m a nut
Well Liz, you know what?
It's time, the world will come and see
That I’m Jon Arbuckle and you will all remember me
I’ll be the man they can’t ignore
Put up with this too long, and I won’t take shit anymore
And you can’t hold me down if I put you in the ground
It’s just the pills saying this now
I’ve got to get a grip somehow
Side effects include fits of rage
This rush that’s soaring through my veins
I can’t describe, I can’t explain
Someone should lock me in a cage
Twenty four years ago when I was six
My parents got me a therapist
For all my violent tendencies
Twenty years ago when I was ten
They got me a therapist again
For killing our dog, Eloise
Carving canines with my knife
How did I lose that lust for life?
It’s time the world will come and see
That I’m Jon Arbuckle and you all will remember me
It’s time that I start fighting back
You better look out assholes, I’m plotting my first attack
You can’t hold me down if I put you in the ground
“John, this is your doctor, your mental health has lost control."
"John, this is the police, and murder violates parole."
"John, this is your mother, and murder is a big no-no."
"John, this is Charles Manson, and murder is sooo worth it, bro.”
Thought I could make it through this life
Settle down with my pets, three children, and a caring wife
I guess that love’s just not for me
But I can’t fake a life of forced complacent normalcy
I wonder if I kill, will the hole inside be filled?
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6. |
Guilt Free Sex
03:47
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Its hard to know just what to say
So I’m apologizing the cowboy way
To an old friend who I know that I’ve done wrong
I stole your girl, I must confess
And it’s causing me serious distress
And that’s why I’m a’singin this song
Cuz I could have anyone in the world
Yet I have to pick the only girl
That my former best friend has been loving too
And I think of your, well, pathetic life
No job, no friends, no sexy wife
To ease my sorrows, what’s a man to do?
I feel guilty constantly
There’s only one thing that helps me
And that is
I don’t feel guilty when we’re having sex
Cuz oh let me tell ya, that shit's the best
When I’m inside her, well, everything feels right
I don’t feel guilty when we’re bonin
When she’s suckin, and I’m moanin
Gonna have me some guilt free sex tonight
But after I cum, I’m forced to admit
That I truly feel like a royal shit
I’ve been a rascal Johnny, and a total prick
And I say “Lizz, maybe you should give John a chance!”
But before I know it, she rubs my pants
And soon enough, her mouth is on my dick
And I don’t feel guilty when she sucks my cock
And says “Lyman, can't you stop all that pussy talk?”
Then I clear my conscience all over her face
Hard to feel guilty when she takes her gob
And she starts slobbin on my knob and
I ask her “Girl, how’s that guilt free semen taste?”
Can’t get these demons out my head
Until little Lizz invites me up to bed
I’m not concerned with first rate nerds
When we’re discussing our safe words
And humping like we’re teenage newlyweds
I seem to have gotten a bit off track
My point is, I want our friendship back
Hope you don’t mind me comin’ back around
And if you’re cool with what I do
I can make a little deal for you
And ask Lizz about a three-way if you’re down
And I don’t feel guilty with ménage a trois
I don’t care if it violates religious laws
Cause when you add a third party, it doubles the fun
And I won’t feel guilty when we’re doing anal, cuz lemme tell ya that shit’s insane-al
Guilt Free sex is the only way to cum!
And after apologizing, you know what’s on my agenda next?
Going home and having me some guilt free sex!
Sex! Seeeex!
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7. |
Drawn to Scale
02:50
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Another day
Another lasagna tray
To gobble down with such glee
No I’m not fat!
No you just can’t prove that!
Give me evidence and I’ll agree!
You may think I'm fat, but isn't that really a matter of opinion? There's no definitive proof you can point to. Therefore, I am innocent until proven chubby!
Hello, I am RX-2, your talking scale. I'll be supplying that proof you requested. Hop on, tubby.
Uh-oh.
Another day
A day with RX-2
Who always sets me up to fail
But I can’t wait
I need to read my weight
Why must I be drawn to scale?
Alright scale, I don't like you, and you don't like me. So lets just be civil and make this as painless as possible!
Painless? With you stepping on me? This will only be painless for me if you've lost 80 pounds!
You are proof that artificial intelligence has gone too far!
Alright, I'm sorry. I promise to give you a fair, unbiased assessment of your weight. Truce?
Truce.
Ow ow ow ow, get him off me, get him off me! Just get off!
Alright that's it, you're history!
She started it.
Oh whoopsie!
I smashed her battery
For telling me that I am fat
She had to pay
And you know what they say
Curiosity killed the cat
And this time, it killed the scale!
I got no shame, I can’t complain, and here’s the truth:
If you fat shame, then you’re to blame, and i will file a harassment suit
Seriously you guys, body shaming is no joke. Isn’t that right Odie, you scrawny bitch ass bag of bones? Ha ha...ha.
Another day
Another lasagna tray
To gobble down with such glee
No I’m not fat!
No you just can’t prove that!
There’s not a bit of evidence that I can see!
Another day
Another day to eat
So let the calories prevail
I won’t feel bad
For the food I had
Because I won’t be drawn, he won't be drawn
I won’t be drawn, he won't be drawn
I won’t be drawn to scale!
Drawn to scale!
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8. |
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I’ve heard there comes a time in every person’s life
Where they must take a stand and fight for what is right
And for us, Garfeld, the time is now
Wake up to the world around you cause somehow
We’ve got to stop John before he cuts another throat
Welcome to the darkest punchline Jim Davis ever wrote
We’ll take John down, send him to hell
Cuz doing nothing is the same as doing it yourself
People You Love Can Do Bad Things
And people like you let it slide
People You Love can’t be stopped when
Their supporters turn a blind eye
People We Love Can Do Bad Things
But I refuse to stand by
We’ll remember all the joy that they bring
But we won’t forget that they can do bad things
Well, are you in or out?
I think you might be taking this a little too far. This is John we're talking about! He's not capable of the things you're accusing him of. So why don't we just relax and make some good, old-fashioned lasagna jokes?
Garfeld! Are you really that delusional?!
This shit is life or death, can you please be more self-aware?
Odee, the audience just doesn’t want to be taken there
Let’s keep it light, let’s keep it fun
We’ll keep their spirits up til this is done
You moron!
People You Love Can Do Bad Things
And people like you let it slide
People You Love can’t be stopped when
Their supporters turn a blind eye
People We Love Can Do Bad Things
But I refuse to stand by
We remember all the joy that they bring
But we won’t forget that they can do bad things
While you've been looking the other way, this is what John has been up to. Maybe this will show you that what we're dealing with is no laughing matter.
I’ve never felt so happy
I greet this life with a smile
Soon I’ll skip down the street, I just can’t wait to meet
Every little puppy and child
And slit their throats!
God, the rush that it brings
To me when I do awful things
Bad things, bad things, bad things, bad things
People You Love Can Do Bad Things
It’s staring you right in the face
People we love are a menace
Wiping out the human race
People You Love Can Do Bad Things
Fine, I’ll learn from my mistakes
And I’ll admit that it stings
But we can’t accept/no patience left
We can’t stand by/John has to die
We can’t ignore/this is a war
There won’t be any more
Bad things
Hey Liz, it's John. Can you come over? I just wanna talk.
Bad things, bad things, bad things, bad things.
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9. |
Another Warning
00:34
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Welcome back to Garfeld’s show
This is Act Two, as you know
We thought you’d all disappear
You’ve been warned yet you’re still here
If you stormed out in a huff
We have your cash and that’s enough
We've already spent your dough
On hookers, crack, and tons of blow
Wait now, who’s coming backstage
Someone’s flown into a rage
Who left the front door open?
Fuck! Jim Davis just walked in
C’mon, it’s all in good fun
Holy fuck! He’s got a gun
Don’t shoot me I have two kids
I won’t die for this piece of-
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10. |
House Calls
03:54
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Hey Lyman, it’s Lizz
It’s been five days and still no word
I’m sick of being so concerned
And sitting here like a sad sack
I told you if you disappear
Once more I’d throw you out of here
And this time you’re not coming back
What I’m saying is we’re through
Or in other words...FUCK YOU!
Oh what’s a girl to do when
She gets blown off by her boyfriend
Wait around and cry?
You may as well sit alone and die
I’m a doctor, I don’t take shit
And in bed, I never fake it
I demand romance
And Lyman, you just blew your last chance
Now it’s time to find a rebound
Cuz when your relationship is through
That motherfucker won’t hold you down
Just gotta get your phone and make a few
House calls
Give your friends a try
Get dick on the side
You won’t be denied
If you give em a house call
House calls
When your boyfriend checks out
And tinder weirds you out
Give your dudes a shout
And give em a house call
Now let’s go see which lucky guy
Is gonna come and sleep with me tonight
Instead of sitting home alone and jerking off?
Answering machine, let’s turn you on.
Now who you got?
Hey Liz, it’s John. Can you come over? I just want to talk.
Oh John, you’re so desperate
But I guess I am too, so fuck it.
This is not how you’re supposed to be
One week after you propose to me
Are you back on drugs?
Or have you just fallen in love?
Your mental health is pretty shaky
If you think that you can date me
But I hate sleeping alone
So I guess I’ll throw you a bone
Looks like I just found my rebound
Cause when your relationship is through
That motherfucker won’t hold you down
Now it’s time to see what John can do
When I give him a
House call
Sure, he’s kinda lame
Off-putting and strange
Still, it’s all the same
I’ll give him a house call
House call
Lyman blew his shot
So he can suck my cock
I’m walking down the block
To give John a house call
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11. |
Planting the C4
01:45
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Slice Pooky’s Head
Cut a bit more
Place it inside
We’re planting the C4
Give me the bomb
Now this is war
Don’t even breathe
We’re planting the C4
Oh my sweet Lizz
You don’t know what’s in store
I’ll start with the hands
I’m tying up the whore
Yes little Lizz
Mine forevermore
Don’t you wake up
I’m tying up the whore
Slice Pookie’s Head, Start with the hands
Just a little more, mine forevermore
Or we’ll soon be dead, you’ll soon be dead
We’re planting the C4, I’m tying up the whore
Planting the C4, tying up the whore
Planting the C4, tying up the whore
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12. |
The Lowest Form of Art
02:59
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The comics are atrocious
How do cartoonists have jobs?
The only one that was half decent
Has to be Calvin and Hobbes
But for every Far Side
There’s four Dilbert’s in its place
Have you read the Hagar the Horrible?
That shit’s a fucking disgrace
They’re a monochromic fantasy
They tell you nothing of reality
Dennis the Menace was a failure as a son
I bet he was beaten by his father
And molested by Mr Wilson
Dagwood was abusive, Blondie became a lap dancer
And Popeye had a birth defect
Charlie Brown had stage 3 cancer
When you strip away the fantasy
You’re confronted with reality
If we die here, I just want the world to know
That the comic pages really fucking blow
If newspapers are dying, those should be the first to go
Because they’re lame and fake and dated
And not funny
I see now that comic strips
Are the lowest form of art
Next to musical theater
And porn of Lisa and Bart
It’s an art form with no relevancy
And they’re the last thing that we’ll ever read
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13. |
I Love Lasagna (Reprise)
02:03
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Oh I love lasagna, it’s as good as can be
Pasta meat cheese and the head of Pooky
I murdered your bear and now just for a treat
You will all be here watching me as I eat
Oh I love lasagna I just can’t get enough
Oh I love lasagna
Could you hurry it up?
Oh Garfeld, be patient, you’ll miss all the fun
Don’t forget that I’ll be murdering you after I’m done
Oh I love lasagna so much it’s insane
It’s almost as delicious as causing you pain
You see what you’ve caused, Lizz? You see what you’ve done?!
You rejected me baby, but now you can’t run
I hope you’re all enjoying how you spent your last night
And you know that I’m enjoying eating up this last bite
Eh, I’ll save it for later, I’ve got work to do first
I’ll murder you three, then lasagna for dessert!
Could you please just finish up that lasagna?
What are you doing Garfeld?!
The C4, Odee!
Wait, what's going on?
Odee and I planted a c4 inside Pooky's head. But John baked it into the lasagna. Which means that if he eats it all, the bomb will be inside of him.
But if he doesn't finish, there's a chance it's still in the tray and it'll explode the room and kill both of us!
When does it go off?
Midnight, which is in...Ten seconds!
ONE TWO THREE FOUR
Now, how should I sentence you three to death?
Should I slit all of your throats and watch you take your last breath?
Dice you up in pieces, make a bloody bisque?
Fuck! I feel like Titus Andronicus
FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT
Scream all you want bitch! This is the perfect crime
You’ll scream louder when I cut your limbs off one at a time
I have a feeling you’ll be nicer once you’re finally deceased
But first, I Love Lasagna, so let’s have that last piece
NINE. TEN.
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14. |
Now That Was A Monday
02:58
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I think sometimes we need bad jokes
To help us through the pain
To be a bit of sunlight
That shines on through the pouring rain
There’s no right way to handle
Learning that death is real
To distract us, we must laugh at
You slipping on a banana peel
We’ve learned that this life is a fucking nightmare
Death can come anytime from anywhere
Reality is pain and the world isn’t fair
And you can lie in bed awake
Knowing it’ll never be okay
But maybe it’s better just to say
Now that was a Monday
Now that was a Monday
Now that was a Monday
But now it’s Tuesday, motherfuckers!
1,2,3,4!
La la la la la la la
Jokes about lasagna
In your repertoire
May seem kind of lazy
And that’s because they are
But we made it through the darkness
And according to this cat
If things in your life go wrong, just sing this song
And solve it with a laugh
My boyfriend was murdered! Let’s just laugh!
Someone chopped off my testicles! Let’s just laugh!
My addiction to lasagna has elevated my cholesterol to life threatening levels and doctors are hypothesizing that I may not even make it to the end of the week!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
So please just try not to be blue
We’re all just trying to power through
Nobody knows what’s best to do
Sometimes your owner tries to murder you
And you can lie in bed awake
Knowing it’ll never be okay
But maybe it’s better just to say
Now that was a Monday
Now that was a Monday
Now that was a Monday
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la
Aroo oo oo oo oo oo!
La la la la la la!
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15. |
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Teddy Grey New York, New York
Teddy Grey is a New York-based singer/songwriter. Past projects include double concept album "The Great Failed Romances of the Twentieth Century", mixtape "Rock N Roll McDonalds", and the cult independent movie "Garfeld: The Musical (A Garfield Parody)". More classics are on their way. Not rushing em this time. ... more
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